For those of you looking for the ideal Christmas present for your sports fanatic dad, I believe I've found it here.  ¶ 9:00 PM

  Thursday is Weird Picture Day! Today's picture is:

  ¶ 7:21 AM

  It's amazing how, thanks to the Internet, people from all over the world can come together and find stupid ways to waste their time. A while back, I signed up for a service called Gumball. It's a free service that tracks all the "hits" I recieve to the site, and emails me the information every day. It turns out that have somehow been added to a bunch of the big search engines like Yahoo and Altavista, and sends about fifteen to twenty people to my site each day. The cool thing is that Gumball shows me what these people were searching for when they found my site. It's amazing I've managed to discuss all these topics since October. Here are some of the best ones:


"http://search.netscape.com/google.tmpl?search=preschool+bullies"

"http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=pee+standing&b=60&hc=1&hs=1"

"http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=freaks+of+nature&b=340&hc=1&hs=1"

"http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=toddlers+holding+in+their+pee&hc=0&hs=0"

"http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=wearing+depends&hc=0&hs=0"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=blind date fart&start="

"http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=guirilla+warfare&hc=0&hs=0"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=things+to+do+to+make+your+girlfriend+jealous"

"http://www.google.com/search?q=miliary+tactics+and+images+&hl=en&lr=&safe=off"

"http://search.aol.com/minisearch.adp?query=BODYFORLIFE&first=11&last=20"

"http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=manute+bol+pictures&hc=0&hs=0"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=how to suceed in business without really trying"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/cat.adp?query=show idea's for baby shower favors&layer=&id=379484"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=gerber baby food lawsuit&start="

"http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=Lines+to+melt+a+girl's+heart&hc=0&hs=0"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?knf=1&query=rabid dog pictures"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=women who fart&first=26&last"

"http://aolsearch.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?knf=1&query=limp bizkit action figures"

"http://search.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=Watch+dog+recount+in+florida"

I can't imagine how pissed off these people were when they were looking for some informative site about baby showers and instead happened upon my complete lack of useful information. And as for the individual who was looking for stuff about toddlers holding in their pee, I sincerely hope they were accessing the Internet from a padded room.  ¶ 10:45 AM

  LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, BOYS AND GIRLS, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES. AFTER THREE WEEKS OF SILENCE, SHMOTT RETURNS IN ALL IT'S SPLENDOR! COME WITNESS THE GREATNESS, THE SPECTACLE, THE UNABASHED USE OF UPPERCASE LETTERS!

Sorry about that, I just got caught up in the moment. That's right folks, Shmott is back. To all of my faithful readers who have sent me emails politely informing me that I have been neglecting you, and that if I don't start cranking out posts pretty soon I'll be on the recieving end of the fiery wrath of Hades, I'm deeply sorry. During winter break, my brain enters what is known as "hibernation mode," the result being that only seven of my brain cells can actually be used at any given time. I simply didn't have the mental resources to come up with witty article ideas, much less tie my shoelaces.

But everything is okay, because I am back, refreshed and bursting with creativity. Oh yes, the articles that are forthcoming will be insipring, uplifting, and full of fart jokes. They will be striking pieces of prose that will tug at the heartstrings, have you rolling on the floor with laughter, perhaps even compelling you to send large sums of money to my house as a debt of gratitude. And as we, the citizens of this planet we call Earth, come together for the common cause of rotting our brains on this website, we will perhaps realize that we aren't so different after all, and that maybe there is a force greater than ourselves, and that a bird in the hand is worth two in the b.....I completely lost my train of thought. Oh yes, I have some good ideas coming up, and you won't want to miss them. In fact, I'm gonna start right now, as soon as I can get these darn shoelaces tied.  ¶ 7:46 AM

  Every year, millions of families come together to celebrate a magical holiday: Secretary's Day. Oh wait, that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm refering to of course is Christmas. But does everyone truly understand the symbolism and significance behind this treasured day? Unfortunately, the answer is no. In fact, in a nationwide poll of high school students accross America, 76% said the true meaning of Christmas was, "To, like, get presents and stuff." How tragic. What were those other 24% thinking? Haha, just kidding. But seriously folks, I'm here to help. Using my vast knowledge of facts that I made up just now, I will enlighten my faithful readers on the true origins of Christmas.

The first Christmas

As most people know, the original holiday was meant to commemorate the birth of Jesus. The story of the virgin birth has been told and retold, and the true events that transpired have become clouded. For example, Joseph's real name was Humphrey. But aside from these historical inaccuracies, the story is pretty accurate: the virgin birth (which was indeed miraculous, but probably was not Humphrey's first choice), the three wise men (although based on their gifts, one wouldn't assume they were all that wise. I mean, come on, how many kids have you heard go, "Yay, myrrh!" My guess is that Mary and Humphrey kept having to take the frankensence out of Jesus' mouth), and who could forget the manger and the swaddling cloth, neither of which anyone to this day can identify (hmm, isn't a manger some type of rodent?) Yes, that miraculous evening marked the humble beginnings of the Christmas holiday.

Many traditions have sprung forth and have become commonplace in celebrating the season. For example, the decorating of the Christmas tree has been passed down for many centuries. It's origins trace back to medieval Europe, when a bunch of serfs were sitting around tending the fife. Suddenly, one of them, Humphrey, came up with a brilliant idea. "This year for Christmas, let's go into the woods, cut down a nice, healthy tree, drag it inside the hut and put it back up again for no apparent reason!" This made perfect sense to the other serfs, due largely to the fact that they were drunk. So they found a suitable tree, set it up, and stood back to admire their handiwork. They were rather proud of themselves, until they woke up and realized what they had done was completely stupid. Of course, Humphrey's wife had discovered it already, and she was ecstatic that there was something new in the hut to put decorations on. By then it was too late, and the tree has been a fixture in households ever since.

Another storied tradition is that of Santa Claus. What most people don't know is that Santa was originally a homeless guy in New York City named, uh, Humphrey. One Christmas eve was particularly cold so Humphrey decided to sneak into someone's house. Of course, no right-minded New Yorker would leave their door unlocked, so his only way in was through the chimney. He was rummaging through the fridge when a little girl came downstairs and asked him what he was doing. Humphrey wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, if you get my drift, and the only explanation he could think of was that he came to bring them their presents. Of course, children are stupid and the girl fell for it, and she even let him have cookies and milk. Humphrey realized that he had hit on something, and began to spread the word. Of course, none of the parents believed any of this so they put presents under the tree themselves, which was fine for Humphrey, because it meant less work for him.   ¶ 11:36 PM

  As everyone knows by now, the 2000 Presidential election is over. I have recieved a few emails asking me about my opinion on the whole deal.
"Sean, now that, like, the election is over and stuff, like, what are we supposed to watch on TV?"
Well, my friends, I'm not sure. It was nice being able to come home everyday to spend hours on end staring at the television, waiting to hear whether the latest court case decided to recount the recounted recount of the recounted ballots. I suppose we will all go back to watching Ally McB...I mean, uh, Monday Night Football. But readers have also expressed their desire for me to discuss my feelings about the past month. The answer, honestly, is that I no longer care. I frankly got sick of it around 3:00 the day after the election. So instead of discussing the past month and our new president-elect, I will talk about my feelings towards the exiting President, Alan Greenspan.

Haha, just a little joke there. As William Jefferson "Bubba" Clinton leaves the White House, he does so leaving a myriad of controversy in his wake. The man who managed to outrage America yet somehow maintain a rather high approval rating was analyzed and dissected more than anyone else in the past eight years, perhaps even the past century. Okay, Elvis had it worse. But the question remains: was Clinton a good President, and how will he be remembered?

In terms of his accomplishments as the leader of the country, I think he did a great job. He came in with an agenda, and for the most part saw it through to fruition. Now if I were to pick a party affiliation, I'd probably call myself a Republican. But I don't feel one should look at a President and base their performance on how well they accomplished your goals. Their job is to do what they feel the American people as a whole want, not what Sean in Boulder wants. Within that context, he's been very good, and his approval ratings reflected that.

The main accomplishment of the Clinton administration was his handling of the economy. Now, many people like to give all the credit to Greenspan and say Clinton was just in the right place at the right time. But Greenspan was the chairman of the Fed during the Bush presidency as well. Clinton was able to discuss economics with anyone, and at a very in-depth level. He understood what was going on with the economy, and played a bigger part in it's boom than people give him credit for. The fact of the matter is that we experienced the greatest economic situation the country's ever been in during his tenure, and everyone has benefited from it.

Another thing Clinton will be remembered for in the future is welfare reform. He signed a bill in 1996 that made welfare recipients work to get paid and required that they leave the program within five years. Such a bill is very uncharacteristic of a Democratic President, and was a very brave move on his part. The critics said that it would do great damage to society, due to the benefit cuts that were in the bill. However, Clinton predicted he could get the cuts repealed later one, and was right. The result of the bill has been over two million families leaving the welfare program for good paying jobs, a decrease in the number of children living in poverty each of the last four years, and an increase in income for black and hispanic families during the same period.

Clinton's activity in the international scene was very important, and will impact America and the world in years to come. Among the highlights were the two peace accords signed by the Isralis and Palestineans (although relations have gone backwards as of late), and his handling of the crisis in Kosovo. But the move that will have the most lasting impact will be the opening of trade in China. He again drew opposition from Democrats for this move, but he believed in the cause and pressed on. This move has set in motion a move, however slow, to a more Capitalistic China, which will benefit the world economy as well as the standard of living for peopel living in the country. It will probably be remembered as one of the greatest acheivements in the past century in regards to foreign relations and the international economy.

His main drawbacks politically will be his failure to accomplish much in the education arena, as well as his failure in regards to medicare. At the beginning of his administration, these were both issues he wanted to make improvements on, but little impact was made on either one. Most folks remember the failure of the elaborate medicare plan that was put forth by him and his wife. And one can't pick up a newspaper without hearing about the deficencies in the education system, and how much better students in other countries are performing on standardized tests. In these areas, Clinton clearly did not accomplish what he set out to do.

Despite those setbacks, Clinton did a commendable job as the President of the United States. However, his legacy will be forever tarnished by the scandal that shook America: The O.J. Simpson trial. Just kidding. The Monica Lewinsky scandal sent shockwaves throughout the country. We had heard rumors of the President's promiscuity before, but nothing had come of it. Lewinsky was different. The Lewinsky case turned much of America against him, and had the Republican party, not to mention the media, breathing down his neck. Kenneth Starr, in his unrelenting manner, tried to make a mockery of the President, tried to discredit his name. For the most part, he did an effective job.

The thing that infuriated the American people so much wasn't necissarily the fact that he committed the act. We have all heard the stories of JFK's affairs, and we love him. Besides, no one would deny that Hillary has been beated with a giant ugly stick. But the real reason we were so angry was that he lied about it. He spent the better part of a year trying to cover it up, hoping it would go away, and then looked at us all right in the eye and lied about it. The man who by profession was a lawyer before entering public office seemed to disregard the legal system itself. We all knew he was lying, and he knew that. He later admitted fault, but the damage had already been done. His reputation had been tarnished, poeple considered him a sleaze, and the children of America have grown up to watch it all. The scandal made the Presidency a little less pristine, a little less respectable. In the end, it probably won't ruin his legacy as a leader, but it will put a giant black mark on his tenure in office.

Despite the large injustice that Clinton committed against the country, his approval rating has remained high. That begs the question, "why?" Why is it that a man who, to many, disgraced the office and the country remain someone whom the American public approve of? I think it's because he's human. The office of the Presidency tends to isolate and seperate the man (or woman) holding office from the rest of the world. Bush did a good job during his term, yet became the only President to lose an election after winning a war. The reason was that people couldn't relate to him, and he couldn't relate to them either. Clinton is different. His rhetorical skills have long been heralded, and he delivers speeches as well as any President since Kennedy. He speaks intelligently, thoughtfully, and is able to touch people. The man who graduated a Rhode Scholar is no question one of the most intelligent men to occupy the office. Yet at the same time, he is able to engage in conversation with the elite and the common folk alike. He can talk foreign policy with the country's brilliant minds, and can talk music with Arsenio Hall. He seems to have firm grasp on what people want and believe in, and it's difficult not to like him by talking to him. Even watching him give a tour of the White House on FOX tonight, I couldn't help but think of him as a likable guy.

I think what impresses me most about him is his interest in the job. He seems as idealistic as he was when he first entered the office, speaking often about the great opportunities that lay ahead. He is very knowledgable about the past of the Presidency, and still appears to be passionate about the job. He strikes me as an extremely intelligent guy, and at the same time appears very down-to-earth. He seems "presidential," whatever that means. For some reason, I don't think of George W. Bush as being presidential. His speeches don't strike a nerve. I didn't agree with much of Clinton's ideas, but when he'd talk, I'd find myself being inspired nonetheless. Bush seems like a guy you'd talk to on the bus, he seems nice enough, but you don't see him as someone you respect. And I'm not gonna get started on his deficiencies in regards to the English language. Clinton, while not always in the right, made us feel good about where the country was headed. I'm not sure if Bush will be able to do the same thing. It might not be too long before we look back with longing to the days when our President was a horny, french-fry eating bumpkin from Arkansas. I'm hoping I'm wrong.

  ¶ 11:22 PM

  I spoke with someone this morning at work who was asking for the President's Leadership Class. This is an organization at CU whose mission is "to nurture a deep understanding of leadership and its responsible application with a commitment to business and community development, and to make everyone else feel like a giant moron." Few experiences in my life were more humbling than when I applied to be in this program. I was coming off of the most successful presidential campaign in Coronado High School's history, and my confidence was riding high. I had vision. I had a mission for the future. I had no idea how inferior I was.

The PLC experience started with an informational meeting up here in Boulder. My dad and I made the trek up to Boulder after school one day, eager to see everything I was going to get to do during the next two years. Once we got there, however, my giant ego came crashing down to Earth. They started with a breif lecture by the head of the program. He spoke about how prestegious the program was, how small the class sizes were (class size is the universal measure of greatness at a university. At Stanford, they have a class size of zero. The professors just sit there all day, collecting research grants and playing Gameboy.) Only 60 freshman were going to be admitted to the program, out of the estimated 83,000,000 that were there at the time.

After the lecture, they opened it up to questions. I was expecting questions like, "So what kind of parties do you guys have?" or "So you pay for my tuition, right?" The questions that were asked were slighly different. For example, one girl asked, "If I go for my quadruple major in Physics, Nuclear Microbiology, Really Big Equations, and Rocket Science, and then I graduate with honors and pursue graduate degrees in Medicine, Law, Business, Arts & Crafts, and Everything in the Known Universe, and then go on to bring about world peace, win the Super Bowl and invent a working time machine, will I be able to use my Sky Miles to fly to Sweeden and pick up my Nobel Prize?" These people intimidated me, in the same way that an ant is intimidated by a Winnebago.

Following this, we all got into groups and talked with students who were already members of the PLC. There, we could ask them more personal questions about the experience. I asked the kid what it was that he felt pushed him over the top in terms of being selected. This was his answer, which I swear I'm not making up:
"Well, I'm not really sure. I mean, I graduated with a 4.9 and a 1580 on the SAT, was a class officer, lettered in three sports, did an internship at NASA and won a national engineering competition. So I don't really know why they picked me."

That was encouraging. The biggest accomplishment I had to boast was a website design company that made $127.83. Still, I went home with the feeling that I could still get in. I'd just write a spectacular essay and get picked on the merits of my literary genius. I sent in my application with a stirring autobiographical tale of bravery and perserverence in the face of hardship, and with lots of famous quotes, because that's what those intellectual bigwigs look for. Here's an exerpt of my essay:

In the immortal words of Mark Twain, "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first." Yet at the same time, we must ask ourselves "Why?" or as Einstein once put it, "The important thing is never to stop questioning." This is especially true when it comes to leadership. In regards to leadership, Woodrow Wilson once said, "If you want to make enemies, try to change something." Another viewpoint is voiced in the film, The Princess Bride: "My name is Inego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Leadership is something that is earned, not given, or as Kermit the Frog would say.....

Even with the abundance of quotes that lined the pages of my essay, I was not one of the fortunate few selected to be in the program. But I'm not bitter. I don't think I would fit in with those folks anyway. They would be too busy nurturing their deep understanding of leadership to laugh at my booger jokes, which would upset me. Besides, who wants a Nobel Prize anyway? It's just gonna sit there on the mantle, collecting dust, and I hate dusting. Yeah, that' what I'll tell myself (sniffle). I need a hug.  ¶ 8:59 AM

  Thursday is Weird Picture Day! Today's weird picture:
  ¶ 8:14 AM